(CLEARS THROAT)
The sneaky thing called death swooped in that year,
ambushing my mostly unremarkable family,
freezing us like statues in a strong wind.
In most cases, defrosting can take
an inordinately long period of time,
if it happens at all...
I'm... I'm sure that you lovely ladies
have read this many times,
so why don't we just skip right ahead
to the Q&A session?
Yes.
Is this the spot for the number 24 bus?
Uh...
(SIGHS)
Mike! What?
The code is not cooperating, and my belongings
seem to have walked themselves to the street.
Your mooching days are over, Kyle.
I apologized.
It was a hideous rug to begin with.
My mother crocheted that rug.
Where am I supposed to finish my book?
All right. Tony...
It's Kyle.
Kyle Livingston.
Uh, l-listen, I need a place
to lay my laptop for a few nights,
and I was wondering if you...
I'd absolutely do this for you.
Are you kidding?
Tony? Tony?
Gabe! Hi!
I was wondering if I might be able to couch-crash...
Your grandmother came on to me.
It's not my fault that she finds me very attractive.
- So, can I stay? - Pete!
- Amanda! - Mr. Dowling!
Why?
Go home.
Why didn't I think of that.
Call me Ishmael.
Call me Kyle.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of...
Dude, you can't plant your ass in the floor like that.
Yeah, well, this is where my mailbox is.
You're basically standing in my living room right now.
I'm... (MUTTERING)
Just... first sentence. First sentence.
(INDISTINCT COMMENT)
(PRIMAL SCREAM)
(SNORING)
Wait! Hey!
Hey, uh...
Excuse me.
(REVVING ENGINE)
(SPEED DIALING)
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hi, Marshall.
No, I'm not dead,
but that's hilarious, by the way.
Uh, listen...
I'm, uh, coming home
to, uh, finish another book. Ahem.
In only have ten more days, so I really need my room.
Uh... tell dad to holster his shotgun.
(LIGHT CHUCKLE)
No, I know he doesn't actually own a gun.
It's a metaphor for gun...
never mind. Never mind.
Okay. Okay, bye.
(SIGHS)
(AUDIBLY STRUGGLING)
(SIGHS)
All right, honey, I'll see you later!
Whoa!
Aah! Hell's bellbottoms!
Oh, Kyle, baby, I been waitin' to meet you for years!
Come over here. I'm Gloria.
I'm your dad's big squeeze.
You can touch these puppies. I just had them done.
Are they gorgeous? Wow. Oh, wow. That's um...
Gloria! Yeah?
He's my... It's weird.
And not in a good way. Go on, go to work.
All right, I'm off to work.
You boys, you play nice now.
♪ Anchors away, my boys ♪
♪ Anchors away
(GLORIA HUMMING)
Hey.
(SNIFFS)
I see you, um, went over to the...
Canine side.
Thought you were a cat lover for life.
I can't stand dogs. You gotta walk 'em.
They're giving away free trips to Hawaii
if you get enough of these labels,
and Gloria got it in her mind
that we're gonna go there one day.
Looks like you've already been,
with that winning George Hamil-tan.
I'm in this, uh, clinical trial
for this E.D.... Erectile dysfunction...
drug, and one of the side effects is, uh...
Is the tan. It's a bonus.
Yay for the side effects.
Hi, mom.
You look a little dusty.
I mean the urn.
(SIGHS)
(PLAYFUL ROAR)
Ohh! Ohh!
What is going on?
Please stop. Please stop. Marshall. Marshall.
(LAUGHING)
My room?
Technically, it's still your room.
Dad... expanded it.
Oh.
(WATER FLOWS)
It's awesome, right?
For Vegas.
Where is my desk? Where is my chair?
I spent thousands of hours molding that chair
with my butt!
Your stupid chair's downstairs in the den.
He sold your desk, though.
You better get your, uh, chair-molded butt
downstairs in about an hour.
Patsy's making dinner.
(BELL DINGS)
So, how was everyone's day?
Marshall's was super long.
I'm the number two telemarketer in the county.
Sometimes I gotta work late.
Yeah, you're really out there saving lives.
You must be exhausted.
Do you want to buy a house?
Hm? Or do you want to live here
the rest of your life?
Oh, God, have mercy.
You can stay, though.
Thanks, grandpa.
Are you a hungry man, Kyle?
I made you one, just in case. Thank you.
I'll be having my dinner in my room.
Hey, Uncle Kyle.
Hey...
Mel. I know.
If anybody needs to use the bathroom,
either hold it in or find a bucket.
You can get urinary tract infections doing that.
Oh. Well, maybe somebody should have thought about
the medical consequences before they turned my bedroom
into a filthy bathroom.
Do I need to get a signed petition, you know,
to upgrade my house?
MEL: Mnh-mnh. PATSY: Mnh-mnh.
(OBJECT CLATTERS)
Shit!
Daaahhh!
(OBJECT CLATTERS)
Ohh.
Smile. Things may get worse more slowly.
(PATSY MAKES INDISTINCT REMARK)
MARSHALL: What do you want me to say? Huh?
It's our busy season. PATSY: In march?
A lot of people like to get a jump on their holiday shopping.
Oh.
They tell me that you left early again today.
You can't keep calling my work, pat!
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, do you work with the tramp, Marshall?
I work with a lot of tramps. Oh, my God.
It doesn't mean I'm diddlin' 'em! Jesus!
My name is tattooed on your hairy cheek,
not some ho!
Who is she, Marshall?
(LAUGHING) You think I'm some huge stud, is that it?
Look at me. Look at me.
I'm a mutt. Well, you're my mutt, and don't you forget it!
I think he just came back to torment me.
That is just silly putty!
Kyle is so sweet. Why don't you just try talking to him?
Would you please leave him out of our sex nest, please?
Okay. I just want you to be a happy camper again.
Yeah, I will be if you'll stop your yapping!
(GLORIA LAUGHING)
(RHYTHMIC POUNDING; GLORIA MOANING)
(ALAN AND GLORIA MOANING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING VERY LOUDLY)
(TURNS VOLUME DOWN)
ALAN: Ankh! Leave it!
Uh...
Gloria! Yeah?
Would it be okay with you
if I borrowed your mannequin for a while?
Sure,
but she's got no holes in her.
I could introduce you to one of my girls at the club
with a hole...
holes. And a head, too.
No, that... that is... that is not what I meant.
You're a sly dog, aren't you?
You're just like your pop...
a bit of a prick most of the time,
but, ooh,
could he give sting a run for his money
in the boudoir. Oh, my God.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES VERY LOUDLY)
She must have seen me.
Are you spying on
that person in the bathroom?
That's sick. You're a sick peeping tom,
aren't you?
No, no, I'm...
With a mannequin fetish.
Okay. That's weird.
But I guess everyone is weird in some way.
Do you live around here?
I-I grew up there.
With Gloria and Alan?
They are wacked.
But you don't hold it against them.
I live there.
It's weird I haven't seen you.
I would remember you.
You're cute in a boy-next-door- gone-wrong
kind of way. What's your name?
Well, thank... I'm Kyle. Hi.
I'm Joy. My parents were delusionally happy.
It's fab to meet you, Kyle.
Here. Give me your knuckles.
(CHUCKLES FAINTLY) I call that 69 knuckles.
Well, you have the silkiest, uh, knuckles
I've ever sixty... (GASPS)
Sixty-nined.
Are you free at four?
You can say no. I won't be offended.
It takes a lot to do that.
No!
No. Yeah. No. Uh... (CHUCKLES)
That... that would be nice. That sounds nice. Yes.
You have a few hours to come up with a more creative word than nice,
or else I will be forced to put you out of your misery.
(HUMORLESS CHUCKLE)
Be my guest.
All right. See you at four.
Four o'clock.
(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
(WIND CHIMES RINGING)
(STEADY TICKING)
Did someone bite the dust?
Uh, no.
I-I have a, um...
(CLEARS THROAT) Sort of a romantic rendezvous
in nine minutes.
Lose the tie.
PATSY: Not good enough, Marshall!
Why are you home so early?
Did your date cancel?
I told you why.
Yeah? Well, your jacket smells like lady juice.
It is perfume we are selling.
I could get you a couple of bottles if you want. Here, dude.
(FIZZING SOUND; KYLE GROANS)
Oh, what did you do? I'm sorry.
I have a date...
With the girl across the street in seven...
seven minutes! The weird one?
What's weird about Joy?
Oh, so do you also know the names
of the crabby old couple next door, Marshall? Yes, I do.
I'm very friendly with all of our neighbors. I'll have you...
zip! Please...
Zip it.
This was the last decent
pair of pants that I had.
Give me yours.
Give me your pants.
I'm at least two sizes bigger than you.
Try four.
Hi.
You're impressively on time.
Have fun on your sort of romantic rendezvous.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh... oh.
Just a, uh, a little nothing.
Oh, thank you.
Is this a book?
I love books.
Ready?
So, did you think of an alternative word?
Uh...
I-it would be my distinct pleasure
to accompany you this afternoon.
It's bordering on bland, but marginally better than nice.
So, I-I wrote the book.
Which book?
Right now. Wha...? You wrote that?
Yes. Oh, my God!
I hope it's good.
I hope you're good with condoms too.
I read this article that STDs
are rampant among senior citizens.
They're getting it on more than we are.
What am I doing wrong?
(LIGHT CHUCKLE)
I used to work at the condom factory on Johnson street,
and I got tons of free samples,
so I figured I would put them to good use.
It's really on Johnson street?
So, you're all gonna remember to use these
next time you have sex, right?
Or you could die!
I'm 81 years old, Joy.
What's your point?
Every second counts, Doris.
(LAUGHTER)
I've brought a friend along today.
This is Kyle.
And Kyle...
Is going to demonstrate how to put one on.
WOMAN: Ooh.
Anyone who wants a refresher can stay.
(AUDIENCE TITTERING; KYLE CLEARING THROAT)
You should get that looked at. It might be serious.
I don't... I don't wanna... I don't wanna do this.
Open the bag. Open the bag.
(WOMEN OOHING AND TITTERING)
I was petrified you hadn't brought props.
I don't mind if you don't use a cucumber. Do you ladies?
ALL: No!
He's wearing ladies' pants.
Yes, they are.
Okay, um, well, we'll just...
(CAT MEOWS)
WOMAN: Caesar.
KYLE: Okay, so, um...
Caesar!
Uh... Cae...
Who's... who's Caesar?
He's, uh, he's just this cat.
Local resident.
Um, I'll be right back.
Uh...
(CAT MEOWS)
(MAN SNORING)
Did he pee?
(CAT MEOWS) Oh, dear.
And, uh, you make sure that, uh...
This part here is up,
like a... Like a little hat,
and then, uh, you put it there.
Careful not to cut it with your nail,
but you just pinch like this.
Sort of... this is important, that part there.
And then you just roll it down to the, um...
The... the, uh...
the... the base,
roll it down to the base.
Is, uh...
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
I'm fine. It's no biggie.
Do you mind a pit stop on the way home?
As long as it doesn't involve vegetables
or anything related to latex.
I can't guarantee.
So, did you come home for inspiration,
or to show off your mad condom-rolling skills?
Funny.
Um, out of necessity, mostly,
but... if inspiration was to smack me in the face,
I'd absolutely welcome it.
I'll smack you in the face.
Ow.
Anything?
I sort of unofficially adopted
this lonely little stretch of road.
Ohh.
Ooh.
Ohh.
Poor little thing.
Probably never knew what hit him.
It's a mystery...
the when, how, and if of it all.
I meant more car-bus-moped.
What would you do if you found out you were gonna die soon?
Try not to.
Wouldn't it shock you out of your comfort zone and make you feel so alive?
I'm just trying to get through the living part right now.
Mmm.
Kyle...
I found out recently
that...
I'm gonna die soon.
Well... shoot that messenger, right?
(STIFLED CHUCKLE)
Wait. You're serious.
You're dying.
Yeah.
And you're a writer. Um...
Presumably a good writer, so I was wondering
if you would write my obituary.
I-I don't want the last thing
that people read about me to be some
grammatically incorrect piece of crap.
I want my obituary to be classy and sassy.
I don't even know you.
So we'll probably have to spend a lot of time together.
All right, you're acting all weird.
Um... forget I said anything.
Yeah. Yeah, no.
That's... that's in the past now.
Gone. Zap.
Joy...
How would I...
I can't. I can't.
I... I-I can't.
Joy. (COUGHS)
You should get that cough looked at!
It could be tuberculosis!
It's just a throat- clearing thing.
(DOOR SLAMS; ENGINE STARTS) Uh...
(CRYING) I knew it! And with a fat chick!
Kyle!
I was prom queen, Kyle!
I was destined to be blissfully happy forever.
MARSHALL: Pat, you got my keys?
Ohh!
What?
I'm not chocolicious enough for you?
Is that it?
(PATSY AND MARSHALL ARGUING OUTSIDE)
It is a deliberate mystery,
the how, when, and if of it all...
You see this gray face?
I'll be wearing it from now
till you start being honest with me!
(PATSY CRYING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Uncle Kyle.
Not now!
(KYLE SNORING)
(FRONT DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
PATSY: Come on, slowpoke, we'll be late!
MEL: I've been going to school for a decade,
and I have never been late!
Bye, grandpa. Yep.
PATSY: Bye, Alan.
(ENGINE SHUDDERS, SERPENTINE BELT SQUEAKS)
FEMALE VOCALIST: ♪ I see the world
♪ through brand-new eyes ♪
♪ receiving light, ♪ ♪ reflecting bright ♪
♪ from the faces ♪ ♪ and things I see ♪
♪ oh, now I see ♪
♪ and it's up to me ♪ ♪ to see it all through ♪
♪ but it's easy ♪
♪ with you ♪
♪ na na na ♪
♪ na na na na ♪
♪ na na na ♪
♪ na na na na ♪
♪ na na na ♪
(GLORIA LAUGHING)
You are so beautiful! (LAUGHING)
♪ ...all through, ♪ ♪ but it's easy ♪
Look at the girls now.
(LAUGHING)
I love that on you. I love it.
Oh, it's great. Fabulous. Fab.
Don't touch that! That is not for you!
You're too young for that! That's for me!
(LAUGHTER) Kyle. Move.
Move. What are you... what are you...
what are you doing here?
This is the anniversary cake you ordered? Let me see.
(INDISTINCT COMMENT)
Oh.
Oh, no!
I ordered a double-d.
What's wrong with these people?
This is no more than a saggy-c! JOY: That's so you.
I'm gonna call them. You should totally wear more florals.
What's going on here?
We are revamping some of my stuff for Mel.
Okay, well,
thank you so much for your concern
for my daughter's fashion needs,
but we can't accept. Take them off. Why?
She has plenty of clothes. She doesn't need your cast-off crap.
KYLE: Oh, I... I don't think
it looks like crap...
To this untrained male eye.
(MUMBLES)
Come back here, young lady!
Your, uh, your hair.
Oh...! Looks really...
Choose your word wisely.
Ah. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Not planning on making that mistake again.
I-in case you didn't get the message,
uh, I-it would be my honor
to write your obituary.
I accept your non-environmentally friendly apology,
on one condition:
You have to do something else for me,
right now.
You, uh, never really told me what it is that you, uh, have.
I know.
So, um, who do you look like?
You have any siblings?
Do you fight like cats and dogs?
My brother once broke my nose with an action figure.
It was an accident.
'Least, I think it was.
(CLEARS THROAT)
That could be any number of lung diseases, you know.
Hi, how are you?
This is Kyle, and...
(LOUDLY) I'm Kyle!
Here, um, I don't... Take it.
Bye!
No no. No, that's for you.
A gift. For me? What is it?
I want to make my mark on the world while facing my greatest fear.
Unh...!
What is...?
Joy... put it on, please!
Uh... no.
Could you please put it on, Kyle?
No. Kyle, just put it on!
For future gift reference,
I'm more of a collared polo kind of guy.
It's called coulrophobia.
I'm searching to find anything cool about it.
It's the fear of clowns.
Don't look at me. Don't look at me.
MAN: All right.
Follow me.
(RELUCTANT CHUCKLE) Don't be a boring fart!
JOY: Down! Down!
(SHOES SQUEAKING)
Come on! Stick your hands in.
Make your mark on the world.
Wait, that's what you meant?
Yeah, cast in cement till the end of time.
Not particularly pioneering, though, is it?
You're right.
Whoa, what are you doing?
Body print.
Bod... body print.
Uh...
(SIGHS)
How's this for innovative?
Yes, your body print is...
Yes, it's one of a kind.
Aah! Clown hand!
(PLAYFUL SHRIEKING)
MALE VOCALIST: ♪ I woke up
♪ and wished that ♪ ♪ I was dead ♪
♪ with an achin' ♪ ♪ in my head ♪
♪ I lay motionless in bed ♪
♪ I thought of you ♪
♪ and where you'd gone ♪
♪ and let the world ♪ ♪ spin madly on ♪
(CLEARS THROAT)
(FEET SQUEAKING)
♪ Everything ♪
(PLAYFUL SHRIEK)
♪ That I said I'd do ♪
♪ Like make the world ♪ ♪ brand-new ♪
Why does my life seem to be littered with bathtubs?
I'm suffocating.
(GROANING)
No, no. All right. Right.
Work through the fear.
Just remember, I-I'm a normal guy
wearing a scratchy wig and a bulbous red nose.
No, you're not. No.
You're right.
I'm abnormal.
I relish those face- eating tumor shows.
(LAUGHING) You too?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Breathe in.
And out, also.
(CLANKING SOUND)
♪ Woke up ♪
♪ Wished that I was dead ♪
♪ With an achin' ♪ ♪ in my head ♪
♪ I lay motionless in bed ♪
KYLE: Question number four:
What is your favorite animal?
What? Favorite number, color, food, animal?
Well, there's a scientific basis to my mode of questioning.
♪ While the world ♪ ♪ spins madly on ♪
All right. Um... Anteater.
I hate ants with a passion. I'm not afraid of them.
They just bug me out.
It's a little bit closer to heaven up here.
This is where I want my ashes sprinkled,
to ode to joy.
Question number five...
your family. Anything and everything.
What about you? What's your story?
Are you writing my obit?
Are you dying?
My mother died three years ago.
I've barely spoken
to anyone in my family since.
Your family's weird...
But they are wonderful, and you should be happy that you have them.
And you? You were raised by...
Wolves.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Aliens?
No, nothing that interesting.
I killed my parents.
It was one of those freak things, you know?
My parents were always bugging me not to leave my bike in the driveway
because they couldn't get their enormous buick in.
But I was this totally scatterbrained kid,
so I always forgot.
And then one night they were coming back
from one of their weekly poker games,
and my dad got out to move my bike,
and their car was partly out on the street.
A truck didn't see it.
Kyle!
You're getting all sad and sentimental.
It's fine.
It's really fine,
and we're having fun, right?
Fun.
F-u-n.
Thank you.
(VEHICLE ARRIVING)
Um, tomorrow I have this doctor's appointment.
Would you come with me?
Of course.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(CHUCKLING)
(CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY)
You wouldn't... ahem.
D-do you want to, um...
I just don't want this to end. Yet. This day.
I have cookies.
I love cookies.
It's the anniversary of the first time we ever did it.
Mm.
I see.
How do you remember all this useless crap?
Well, I wanted to go out and celebrate
and maybe go to a fancy restaurant or something,
but I knew the fresh air was gonna kill you.
Oh, yeah, that's right. I am just afraid of fresh air.
(COUGHING)
Well, why don't you educate my gorgeous ass, huh?
Yours are much better.
(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
(KITCHEN OBJECTS CLATTER)
(CHUCKLING)
Aw. Um, wait here while I... while I straighten up.
Okay.
Whoa!
(STAMMERING) Dude, door.
Door. Door, dude. Door!
It is not what it looks like.
I... I mean,
I'm not... I'm not... I'm not gay or anything.
It's just... I...
Uh... feel this fabric. It is unbelievable.
Uh, no! No!
KYLE: You've got to tell patsy.
(SCOFFS) No way!
She already thinks I'm the lord of loserville as it is!
She thinks you're having an affair!
(KNOCKING)
JOY: Kyle? Hello?
It's, uh, it's a little messy in here.
I like messy. Right.
Could you just give me one minute? I have to finish something up.
Are you doing a number three? Number three?
Oh, no, no!
Then I'm coming in! No, Joy!
(LAUGHING) Whoa!
Yeah, that is messy.
I should freakin' sell tickets!
Seems the men in your family
have a special bond with female fashion.
No, that was just a one-time emergency.
I... no.
Wait, so...
You're living in here?
Yes, my dad converted my bedroom into a bathroom.
How mentally ill is that?
That's sick, totally.
But you're sleeping in here?
Well, you get used to the lack of sleep
and the constant back pain.
Lovin' the chitchat, guys, really,
but could you freakin' go outside?
I'm all exposed here.
Does patsy know about this... hobby?
No!
Could you just scram
so I could change?
Come on.
(TROUBLED SIGH)
So, I'm getting an MRI.
Maybe you should wait here.
It's safer, in case you're pregnant.
Thoughtful. Thank you.
Joy! What is it today?
I'm not here to see you, Dr. Khan.
Well, guess that's lucky moi, then.
Excuse me.
I think that your bedside manner
could use a little work.
I'd like you to apologize to my friend when she gets back.
Yeah, right.
Look, she has seen every doctor in this hospital
over the past several weeks,
some of us more than once.
Quite frankly, she's driving us all a little nuts.
I don't think that's any way to talk about... hypos on a quest.
Biggest time-wasters ever.
Hypos?
Hypochondriacs.
Major suicidal tendencies.
Very touchy if you even think about questioning them.
Sorry.
Unprofessional.
W-wait. W-wait.
So, sh-she's...
She's not dying?
No.
Have a nice day.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRYING)
Ohh.
Oh, honey.
Ohh.
Are you ready to shine?
You should just talk to him, for a change.
Oh, gosh, honey. Don't worry.
Don't worry, everything is fine.
Come on, we're gonna be late for school.
If you didn't yell all the time...
(STIFLING A YELL) I do not yell all the time!
I'm sorry.
Oh, don't play that teenage cliché with me. It doesn't suit you.
Come back! We're gonna be late for school!
Stop saying that!
Um...
Just, um...
Get your... get your beauty rest.
Not that... not that you need any.
(DOOR CLOSES)
See you tomorrow?
...can happen...
Like all...
Things.
(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Melanie, if you're trying to make me say it...
Mel?
Mel!
Mel, baby!
She's not here. I searched the whole house,
inside and... inside. She's not picking up.
Oh, my goodness. I'm supposed to be driving her to school right now.
Well, she's gonna be late.
Oh, really, Marshall?
Maybe she walked. No! It is 6.5 Miles!
So call the school. They'll let us know when she gets there.
No, no. Her backpack is upstairs. She's run away.
Oh, and it's me. What did you say?
What's going on? Mel's missing.
I mean, why would she run away?
Why wouldn't she?
MARSHALL: No, she didn't run away.
Did you say something? Just shut it!
I have to get outta here! Drive around, something!
Where are you gonna drive?
It's not like she's got a GPS in her...
She saw you the other night.
In the bathroom!
PATSY: Marshall!
I'll drive!
Uh, maybe Joy knows where she is.
I-I'm gonna go with Kyle, baby.
You stay here, hold the fort in case Mel comes back.
(ODE TO JOY PLAYING INSIDE)
Beethoven. Ode to joy!
Well, I'm not as un-freakin'-cultured as I look.
Oh, my God.
(ODE TO JOY CONTINUING; KYLE POUNDING ON DOOR)
KYLE: Joy?
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
GLORIA: Joy? KYLE: Joy!
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
Joy?
Wh-where are you going?
(CELLPHONE RINGS)
Where are...? Don't talk.
Just listen.
(ODE TO JOY CONTINUING)
Kyle, baby! No!
MEL: Until you tell mom the naked truth,
I am officially on strike.
Yeah. Uh... no can do.
Let me help you. (AUDIBLY STRUGGLING)
Yeah... uh... Ohh!
Are you okay?
Yeah.
It's not a good time right now.
Oh, so you want her to find out through her teenage daughter?
No! Thank you.
You have five minutes.
I don't need your help on that.
Four and a half.
Who was that?
Ohh... work.
(ODE TO JOY CONTINUING) Joy?
Joy!
Joy.
Joy. Joy. Joy.
Uh... uh...
(ODE TO JOY CONTINUING)
(GRUNT OF FRUSTRATION) (DIALING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Come on, come on!
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
So she was dying...
And then she wasn't... And now she might be?
Joy is going to be fine.
(SIGHS)
Um... um, can we see her?
I assume you're Kyle. Yes.
I made notes. She was very, um...
Particular about some of the details.
She said she took two tiny sleeping pills so she could sleep.
We pumped her stomach
because you told the whole world she tried to kill herself.
Wait. You said that she could be suicidal!
Can't quote me on that.
Anyway, she never wants to see your annoying face again.
There was more about your face and some of the other parts of your anatomy.
What room is she in?
She made herself quite clear.
Don't forget to validate your parking.
That is the crappiest delivery of good news
that I've ever heard.
It's her obituary.
I thought you were supposed to be writing that.
What does it say? There's a note.
Kyle. I thought you should know I never needed
your help writing my obituary.
I wanted someone sweet and fun...
JOY: To share my last couple of weeks.
I knew if I asked you to write it,
you'd have to hang around and get to know me.
You were charming and interesting,
and then I just couldn't tell you the truth
because I didn't want it to end.
But it has to end,
before you get hurt because of me.
I have to move forward alone now.
I'm sorry I pulled you in,
but I'll never be sorry I met you.
Take care of yourself.
I hope you'll agree,
my obit's the classiest,
sassiest you've ever read.
Get it out to the world for me.
Knuckles. Joy.
(CHUCKLING) Knuckles?
What's knuckles? (CHUCKLING)
It's... not what you're thinking.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna call them. It's too early to involve the cops!
It is not! No it isn't! You have to wait, like... Twenty-four, forty-eight...
it just hasn't been enough hours.
No, I don't care. It's my daughter. Pats!
What?
We've been looking.
We called your phone a thousand times, your school.
You think you can just cut out whenever you please
and worry your parents to their deathbed?
You get a mental health day.
Can't argue with that.
Okay.
You hungry?
No.
I can make you a grilled cheese
with the crusts cut off... no?
(WHIMPERING) No?
(CRYING)
How... am I supposed to tell her?
Don't tell her.
Show her.
Where did you get these? Suit up!
No!
Mom!
Go away. I'm sorry. I became a moron temporarily.
I got your note!
Joy...
I...
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(SPEED DIALING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
What is it, Marshall?
Could you come to our room for a sec?
Not another stupid tattoo. I really don't give a damn what you do.
Uh...
(PAINED CHUCKLE)
Is this some kind of sick joke?
Oh, thank God. I thought I struck you mute.
Please tell me that you are just being
super-prepared for this year's Halloween.
I am not having an affair, pats.
I like trying on lady clothes.
Makes me happy.
I go to the mall after work,
and... I-I try on lingerie.
I just didn't know how to tell you.
I'm not...
Having an affair, unless it's with...
The J.Lo collection at J.C. Penney.
I don't know what to say.
No, put your robe back on, I'm begging you.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Can we have dinner now that this ridiculous charade is over?
I'm starving.
(CELLPHONE RINGS)
(MIRROR SHATTERS)
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
(RING)
(MUFFLED, DISTORTED AUDIO)
GLORIA: Kyle?
Barely touched your food, son.
(SIGHS)
He didn't make Joy go bye-bye, Kyle, baby.
No.
He just sold all of my stuff
and transformed my bedroom into a bathroom.
Well, you never came home.
Gloria needed a bigger bathroom for all of her crap.
I do have a lot of crap!
PATSY: More Brussels sprouts, anyone?
I'm not stupid. The only reason you're here now
is 'cause you had nowhere else to go.
And why else would I come home, dad?
I send you my book.
No response. Aww. Zilch.
You wanted a thank-you card.
Wow, I'm so insensitive. All right, here you go.
Thanks for leaving, turning your back,
and mailing us your book.
(CHUCKLES) Turning my back?
Mm-hmm.
I turned my back?
You...
Did absolutely nothing...
To save her.
You think you know it all.
You come back here, you ignore everyone.
You act like a complete jackass.
Oh, God, honey, please.
Skirting the truth. Hm.
Blatantly obvious to everybody here. He tried, man.
You weren't here.
Marshall, please.
You don't know what you're talking about.
He never did anything
to get her any... any help.
Mom didn't want any help.
She didn't want to stop.
That's not the...!
He... he has been mad at me...
For years
because I wrote the truth.
Really? Yes.
I never read it. You... what?
I never read your goddamn book, okay?
(CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY)
You shoulda got the book on tape, like I did.
More glazed carrots, anyone?
What are you doing? Not gonna waste the damn meat.
For the record,
I read your book three times.
I think mine's done, if you...
Maybe wanna read it.
No nepotistic sugarcoating though,
okay?
I wouldn't dream of it.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
Can't sleep?
I don't sleep.
Mm?
Before this picture was taken, your mother had
this 10-minute hiccupping fit.
Couldn't get rid of 'em.
We laughed so hard.
Oh, I miss her.
I miss her like...
Like nobody's invented the word yet.
(SIGHS)
I can't leave your mother.
How long?
Three years...
Four months...
Sixteen days, give or take.
Oh, listen, just so you know, that rap music,
I hate the damn stuff.
It's the only music your mother wouldn't listen to.
Gloria doesn't seem to mind it, so...
Do you...
Do you love her?
She loves me.
Don't let that girl go.
Just do whatever it takes.
She...
She won't...
She won't talk to me. She won't...
Come out of her house.
And I don't know what to do.
Well, you'll just have to figure it out.
You know, we tried everything with your mother.
Everything.
(AUDIBLY STRAINING)
Joy!
(SNORING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh. Kyle!
Come on!
Get your ass downstairs! Come on!
Kyle, come on!
You're gonna love it! Ha!
(MUFFLED CRIES)
Oh, my God! What... are you okay?
When she came out, you were sleeping.
PATSY: We panicked! What are you doing? What are you doing?
We've got her tied up really nice!
Yes! And I am untying her!
Yeah, but she doesn't have a choice now.
She has to listen to what you have to say.
Yes, and that all makes sense...
Uh-huh. ...Until you bring in the whole part
that it's a crime thing!
Out! I'm sorry, Joy. I'm sorry.
Ow!
All right, go, go, go. We're leaving, we're leaving.
You're making a mistake. I'm not making a mistake!
I'm going, I'm going! Jeez! Out!
Like, go rob a bank or something!
(MUFFLED BELLOW) I am... ohh...!
Oh, God, I am sorry.
Get me out of this right now.
Yes, yes. Uh...
(CHUCKLES)
Y-you wrote the classiest, sassiest obit
that I-I've ever read, and I don't want it
to be published for a long, long time.
Well, I don't have long, Kyle.
Have you been paying any attention?
I know you're not dying.
The doctors, they can't find anything physically wrong with you.
Mentally could be a whole other story at this point.
You're crazy. I'm crazy?
Yes, you don't know what you're talking about.
Please, please, enlighten me. All right.
That MRI, it didn't even show a cracked toenail.
And that's a bad thing...? Yes, because if I'm not...
Dying of a disease, it means that I'm dying of something unexpected,
but why do you think that you're dying at all?
What are you guys doin'? ALL: Shh!
Because he's never wrong.
Who is... who is never wrong?
Who is never wrong? Who?
Caesar, okay?
Caesar?
Caesar the cat?
He's psychic.
The cat?
Yes.
A psychic cat told you you were going to die. Yes.
Every resident that Caesar pees on dies within a few weeks.
Somehow, he just knows.
Kyle, Caesar peed on me.
Maybe he has a bladder condition, then.
I'm... (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry! Sorry! Listen!
I can't... I can't believe that you believe this!
Give me one reason why I shouldn't.
I'm going to bed now!
Forever!
Joy.
Joy!
Joy.
J-Joy!
Joy!
Kyle, baby.
I once knew this girl who had a psychic twat.
Any guy who got close,
she knew if he had an std or not.
I think what Gloria is trying to say
is that maybe it isn't impossible
that this cat has psychic abilities.
GLORIA: Exactly.
You gotta prove to her she's crazy, man!
I mean, no cat pee ever killed anybody!
I don't think it's the pee per se, marsh.
Show her you love her. Shower her with romance.
GLORIA: I know some hot strip-o-grams.
Throw her a living funeral.
I was planning one one for your mom,
but she passed before we got to do it.
No, I want the best chairs you got.
What, do I sound like a cheapwad?
Yeah, well, you sound like a dickwad.
Uh, thanks, Gloria. I been through all of 'em.
I think I'm gonna go with this one.
Oh, I like it, but is it big enough?
Okay, it's a short speech,
not a novel.
(SIGHS)
No nepotistic sugarcoating, right?
If she doesn't love this, she's definitely deranged.
Keep the engine running.
(ENGINE SHUDDERS AND DIES)
(CAESAR MEOWS)
(LAUGHS) Little bugger's bladder will be so full,
he'll be peeing everywhere, on everyone, with any luck. (ENGINE HESITATES)
She'll see her theory disintegrate into thin air. (ENGINE HESITATES)
I'll do my damndest to make sure he pees on me, man.
That is one stinky puss, though.
I think he's old. Just drive. Go!
(ENGINE STARTS) Ha ha ha ha!
MARSHALL: Yeah. PATSY: Yeah.
You're thirsty, aren't you?
Yum, yum, yum, yum. Huhp. Come on.
Milk does a pussy good.
Come on. Caesar, look.
Come on. Here.
Right here. Caesar. Come on.
Come on.
Wow. You're looking delightfully dapper.
Yeah.
Lot of good it's doing me, huh?
Did you go to all this trouble for me?
I'll make a deal with you:
I'll go if you go.
But you're not coming?
Are you?
Would it be easier if you weren't you?
Oh, yeah, can I be Brad Pitt, please? Thank you.
Alan. What?
Trust me.
Don't go anywhere.
Ha!
But she's not here. It's a...
Okay, okay, okay, okay!
All right, just...
Ahem.
Dude... she's not coming.
I'll tape it for her.
Come on, go ahead.
Gonna rock. Gonna be awesome.
Um...
Uh, our... our guest of honor
seems to have been delayed.
(CLOWN SHOES SQUEAKING)
One last thing.
What's that?
(SIGHS)
Right.
Get into character.
(SHOES SQUEAK FAINTLY)
I can't do this. I'm sorry.
Uh, I-I-I've been penning her obituary
for the past couple of weeks as part of my new book,
but I-it's become apparent that this...
Ode to my Joy...
Has been predetermined to come to life
in... in this moment.
(CLOWN SHOES SQUEAKING)
(SQUEAK)
This is great.
You're doing it.
This is ridiculous!
You're doing it! You're doing it, bozo!
Today we mourn the passing
of our beloved Joy Helena Bailey, 29.
She will be remembered for her generosity
to the homeless, kindness to seniors and
dead birds,
overcoming her ferocious fear of clowns,
and leaving her mark on the world in...
Truly innovative ways.
She is survived by the boy-next-door-gone-wrong,
who...
(SPECTATORS TITTER)
Continue.
Um...
Uh, the boy-next-door- gone-wrong, who...
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
You... you make me feel the most terrifying happiness
that I've ever known.
And I don't want it to end yet.
Kyle...
I thought this celebration was your way of saying
that you understand and you accept.
Yes.
You are dying.
So is everyone here.
I could die tomorrow, before you,
but... you are not going to die
because a cat peed on you.
MAN: Yes, she is!
No, sir, she's not!
Yes, she is!
(CAT MEOWS)
Finally drag my ass outside, and this is what happens.
Outstanding.
Alan, I-I am so sorry.
He's... he's fine.
He's just a... a cat.
This is asinine!
You're the asinine.
Joy.
Marshall.
Will you stop filming?
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
WOMAN: Please leave a message
for the Alexis agency at the beep.
(BEEP)
KYLE: Hi. Uh...
I wanted to let you know that the book is, um...
Not done.
(HUMORLESS CHUCKLE)
Sorry.
I, um...
I just couldn't finish it.
This story was never meant to be,
I guess.
But I am going to send you something else,
by this promising young author I know.
It's, uh...
Well, I think you're gonna love it.
(LAUGHING SOFTLY)
It's invigorating, this thing called fresh air.
Wanna join us?
Uh, rain check?
All right...
(PATSY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Ooh! (LAUGHING)
Don't spit it out.
What's the point of the game if you're gonna spit it out?
(MARSHALL CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
Hey!
(GASPING AND GROANING)
Are you sure this is what he wanted?
Not... not in nature or on the water?
Couldn't we just put him up on the little shelf upstairs,
like mom?
He said, and I quote,
when I die,
I want you to shake my ashes where you shook my world.
He was talking about this floor.
I mean, we did it a... a trillion times,
right here.
Those were good times.
Oh, hush.
Al, baby,
enjoy heaven.
Just not too much.
(SIGHS)
(PAPER RIPPING)
If you're going to be...
You know, um, I don't want it to be anything slutty.
(HAPPY GASP)
It's so soft!
(CRYING SOFTLY)
Ohh!
FEMALE VOCALIST: ♪ I don't know when
♪ I don't know how ♪
♪ I don't know why ♪
♪ I feel so down ♪
♪ I take a left ♪
♪ and then a right ♪
♪ but I know that I will ♪ ♪ somehow be okay ♪
♪ it's raining crystals, ♪ ♪ I'm so rich ♪
♪ I see the Joy ♪ ♪ in everything ♪
♪ and Mr. moon ♪ ♪ shines down on me ♪
MEL: Bye, Uncle Kyle.
♪ Everywhere ♪ ♪ so I can see ♪
♪ I don't know where ♪
♪ I don't know how ♪
You pay your dad and me a visit, you hear?
I will.
♪ ...I feel so down ♪
♪ I take a left ♪
♪ and then a right ♪
hey... Keep it up, kid.
You're not half bad.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
PATSY: Take care.
♪ I'm running out of ♪ ♪ time to play ♪
♪ I see the bumble bee, ♪ ♪ he says ♪
♪ hey, little girl, ♪ ♪ how was your day? ♪
♪ I said to him, ♪ ♪ I'm so okay ♪
Have a good day.
♪ I don't know when ♪
♪ I don't know how ♪
♪ I don't know why ♪
♪ I feel so down ♪
♪ I take a left ♪
♪ and then a right ♪
♪ but I know that I will ♪ ♪ somehow be okay ♪
I-I loved your dad's obit,
and I'm so sorry.
(STAMMERS)
You should go by the house sometime and...
Walk on him.
I did.
That's good.
So, uh, are you, um...
Are you still with us, or am I...
Talking to a ghost?
This is the real me.
For now. (CHUCKLES)
But I'm... I'm not thinking about it every millisecond.
What are you thinking about instead?
(GASPING SOFTLY)
What are you doing right now? Um...
I happen to know this beautiful place in the trees.
That sounds nice.
Good.
Pleasant.
Swell.
Pretty.
Wonderful.
Incredible.
Lovely.
MALE VOCALIST: ♪ where you can be yourself ♪
♪ Are the rumors true ♪
♪ did they really ♪ ♪ find you ♪
♪ knocking on the door ♪
♪ did you lock yourself ♪ ♪ out again? ♪
♪ 'Cause even when ♪ ♪ the wind dies ♪
♪ leaves still fall ♪
♪ even when ♪ ♪ the heart sighs ♪
♪ you smile, ♪ ♪ still stand tall ♪
♪ whatever happens, ♪ ♪ well ♪
♪ whoo-ooh ♪
♪ whoo-ooh ooh-ooh ♪
♪ there are no accidents ♪
♪ we move in our own time ♪
♪ just don't let time ♪
♪ get the better of you ♪
♪ see those hands ♪ ♪ on the clock ♪
♪ weren't made ♪ ♪ for pushing back ♪
♪ and tomorrow's ♪ ♪ just a ghost ♪
♪ that is waiting ♪ ♪ to be born ♪
♪ 'cause even ♪ ♪ when the wind dies ♪
♪ leaves still fall ♪
♪ even when ♪ ♪ the heart sighs ♪
♪ you smile, ♪ ♪ still stand tall ♪
♪ whatever happens, ♪ ♪ well ♪
♪ 'cause even when ♪ ♪ the wind dies ♪
♪ leaves still fall ♪
♪ even when ♪ ♪ the heart sighs ♪
♪ you smile, ♪ ♪ still stand tall ♪
♪ whatever happens, ♪ ♪ well ♪
(HUMMING)
(CAESAR MEOWING, KYLE MUTTERING)
Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh.
Come... duh uh tuh tuh uh!
Wha...!
Ah! Ha ha ha ha!
Ohh.
(URINE FLOWING)
Mnh.
(CAESAR MEOWS)
FEMALE VOCALIST: ♪ I can't help but wonder
♪ just how many tears ♪ ♪ there can escape ♪
♪ one minute I've ♪ ♪ locked 'em up for life ♪
♪ and I blame it ♪ ♪ on the fishing line ♪
♪ of greener grasses, ♪ ♪ redder warnings ♪
♪ darker nights, ♪ ♪ and brighter days ♪
♪ I'm hooked ♪
♪ addicted, ♪ ♪ you might say ♪
♪ conflicted in the way ♪
♪ one should behave ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ hooked ♪
♪ by such a little taste ♪
♪ and just the time ♪ ♪ to waste ♪
♪ oh, waste away ♪
♪ reel 'em in y'all ♪
♪ uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ uh-oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ oh, it's funny... ♪ ♪ no, not funny... ♪
♪ let's say interesting, ♪ ♪ instead ♪
♪ that a man can live ♪ ♪ his whole life ♪
♪ only wishing ♪ ♪ he was dead ♪
♪ it's obvious ♪ ♪ to all of us ♪
♪ he's living in his head ♪
♪ thanks to fishing lines ♪ ♪ that bore the bait ♪
♪ on which ♪ ♪ the poor man fed ♪
♪ he's hooked ♪
♪ addicted, ♪ ♪ you might say ♪
♪ conflicted in the way ♪
♪ one should behave ♪
♪ and try as I might, ♪ ♪ I can't escape ♪
♪ I lost my mind ♪ ♪ and took the bait ♪
♪ try as I might, ♪ ♪ I can't escape ♪
♪ I lost my mind ♪ ♪ and I took the bait ♪
♪ hey, hey! ♪
♪ Hey, hey! ♪
♪ Now I never wanted ♪ ♪ to be attracted ♪
♪ to shiny ♪ ♪ little things ♪
♪ but I can't help it ♪ ♪ if I'm attracted ♪
♪ when they're ♪ ♪ in front of me ♪
♪ no, I never wanted ♪ ♪ to be attracted ♪
♪ to shiny ♪ ♪ little things ♪
♪ but I can't help it ♪ ♪ if I'm attracted ♪
♪ see? ♪
♪ I'm hooked ♪
♪ addicted, ♪ ♪ you might say ♪
♪ conflicted in the way ♪ ♪ one should behave ♪
♪ oh oh oh ♪
♪ hooked ♪
♪ by such a little taste ♪
♪ and just ♪ ♪ the time to waste ♪
♪ oh, waste away ♪
♪ I am hooked ♪
♪ addicted, ♪ ♪ you might say ♪
♪ conflicted in the way ♪
♪ in the way, ♪ ♪ in the way ♪
♪ I'm always in the way ♪
♪ and try as I might, ♪ ♪ I can't escape ♪
♪ I lost my mind ♪ ♪ and took the bait ♪
♪ try as I might, ♪ ♪ I can't escape ♪
♪ I lost my mind ♪ ♪ and I took the bait ♪
♪ hey, hey! ♪
♪ Hey, hey! ♪
♪ Bah-dah bah-dah buhp ♪
(CAESAR MEOWS)